Forgive us as we forgive...

"'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master was moved with compassion, canceled the debt, and let him go." (From "The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant," Matt. 18: 26-27).

Bad news: I had to stay home sick today because my body felt like it had gotten run over by an elephant. Good news: I was actually able to take a moment to dwell in God's word (rather than hastily flip through some Psalms over my oatmeal before rushing out the door and into the madness). I read this gospel lesson last and it resonated with me like a sound thwack to the face. There I was-- right there in the Bible-- the unmerciful servant. Who knew I'd been written into Biblical history? 

In all seriousness, as I read this I realized that the unmerciful servant and I share the same basic problem: we both think that God (or the master) works like we do. We see the world as a giant equation that must be balanced. If someone is in debt, the debt must eventually be paid. There is no way to fully cancel it. From personal injustices to systemic ones, I am deeply bothered by inequity. I, like the servant, want to "pay back what I owe" and demand that what is owed me or others is "paid back" as well. God revealed to me today that because of that mentality, I have a load of unforgiveness that has settled over many years like a thick, corrosive plaque in the walls of my heart. No wonder I struggle to open my heart to God and others! And the root of it is my unwillingness to believe that God has truly canceled my debt.

The most redemptive moment today was undoubtedly the realization that God is NOT LIKE ME! Hallelujah! He has canceled our debt. He does rise to show us compassion. He sees us fully, knows us fully, and loves us fully. Wow. That's still gonna take a long time to sink in.

We exist in a world of limitations....with dwindling economic and natural resources, with population crises and illnesses and accidents and boundaries.   I often behave as though there is "only so much to go around" -- I am small and careful with my love and forgiveness. But God doesn't work from that scarcity mentality. His capacity for love is so far beyond what I can even remotely comprehend. He is truly "ABOUNDING in steadfast love." So, may God start there with us.....teaching us to dwell in the rich, abundance of his love and mercy...and from that deep place, to find the courage to fully "forgive our debtors."

"For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." (Psalm 103:11-12)

p.s. My posts will not always be this long-- I promise! Don't be dismayed. I am extremely likely to get sparser as my dedication dwindles. :)

To start things off...

Here's a snippet of poem I have taped above my bed (torn from a certain college alumni magazine that shall remain nameless...hey- sometimes good things come in unexpected places, right?)

"View me, Lord, a work of thine!
Shall I then lie drowned in night?
Might thy grace in me but shine,
I should seem made all of light.

In thy word, Lord, is my trust,
To thy mercies fast I fly;
Though I am but clay and dust,
Yet thy grace can lift me high."

(Thomas Campion)

On NOT Looking for Love in All the Right Places

In spite of the poetic tendencies, raucous laughter, and sporadic silliness (complete with accents, characters, and embarrassing jingles) that I am known for among close friends.....all-too-often, I find myself viewing the world through darker lenses. For better or for worse, I am deeply attuned to the grief, pain and suffering the world around me. On a good day, I feel this is a gift, and I keep lifting it up to God, asking for his mercy on the fallow ground in my soul and for the thirsty world oustide it. But in worse moments, I let the sorrow I feel for the world drown me, push me under, curl me inward, and perpetually furrow my brow. If I am not careful, I can so easily stuff myself with concerns that are simply not mine to indulge...... I  become a self-focused, protective person who is closed to the world and ruled by fear, rather than love.

So, as Lent approaches this year I've been considering what things God is asking me to give up in order to enter more fully into His presence. Aside from a few "conventional" things I will be fasting this year, I feel that God is leading me to into something totally new..... reconstructive eye surgery! That's right: I was praying and felt God saying....get Lasik. Just kidding. But I do think He is longing to clear the cobwebs from my eyes, to remove the lenses that keep me from seeing where He is in the midst of the world's pain, and to change me into a person who can find beauty, love, and joy in unexpected places. 

This blog is aimed in that direction. The subtitle says it all-- "an experiment in courageous hope." I will make it a priority to try and post things (quotes, pictures, stories, poems) that encourage me (and you!) to find hope and to see where God is in this crazy world. I will need to remind myself not to try to be a good writer, a creative or dedicated blogger, or a perfect Christian...mainly because none of those things are possible and they only get in the way of my ability to hear God's voice.  

So, I hope you will read when you can and help me along this journey, as I try to learn to be present with the world as a child would...to find, despite deep darkness, the joy and light surrounding me...and maybe, in the process, to rise up.