"Sow righteousness for yourselves, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the LORD, until he comes and showers his righteousness on you."
I had a friend in college who called this sort of thing-- "God coordinating your curriculum."I mean, seriously. I had just been thinking of this-- and somehow, He had already connected the "unplowed" or "fallow" ground idea with my own hardened heart....which needs to be broken up, circumcised, rent. Old habits, old fears, old grudges, old prejudices, old pride, old dreams.....they're all my unplowed ground-- hardened, fallow, dry and brittle. They're all spaces in my "inner terrain" (to quote a wise man that many of us love!) that remain unusable to God. They need to be broken up, churned up, so that new things can grow from those very places of weakness, fear, and stubbornness.
So, I'm sitting on the train, thinking about all of this stuff...praying that God would break up my unplowed ground and lead me into new growth, new life...when suddenly, I notice that a girl standing nearby me is looking quite pale and fanning herself. The boy next to me mumbles something and carves a space in the crowd for himself while the girl slips into the seat. She is NOT looking good. Somehow-- God moves me beyond my initial panic (as most of you know, I do not do well with illness), and I find myself- miraculously, asking her if she is okay, then gently encouraging her to put her head between her knees, rubbing her back and telling her it's going to be okay. It is? I'm shocked at my apparent calm in the moment. I help her remove her scarf and ask her where she's getting off-- 59th St., the next stop. Phew. Can't be more than a minute.
We walk out of the train and I help her find a place to sit, while I go get her some orange juice from the little newsstand on the platform. Are you going to be okay? I ask her. She says she feels like she might be sick. I'm giving her instructions about the juice and I start to panic. Like Peter walking on water and suddenly, in doubt, falling....like that moment when you're holding a particularly difficult yoga pose and as soon as you realize it you come crashing to the floor, an embarrassed mess. I ask her if she needs me to go get someone and she says, no, no-- I'm fine, you've helped me so much already. So I touch her shoulder once more, wish her a quick blessing, and scurry off to catch the next train to work.....hoping that next time, maybe I'll have the guts to see this kind of thing through.
I can't help but feel that I should have stayed with her to make sure she was okay. I prayed that God would bring someone else to help. The truth is, I doubted myself right at the end...doubted that I'd be able to sustain the strength and steadiness of my spirit. (This may seem crazy to those of you who don't know just how strong my phobia toward throw up....and all things medical....truly is, but it's one of my comical- and detrimental- idiosyncrasies). But, even though it's embarrassing to admit, for me this was a big deal. And in spite of my imperfection, I still found God giving me strength, breaking up my unplowed ground, and ultimately teaching me that He really is sufficient for me. His strength really is made most perfect in my weakness. He really does want to churn up the unused soil in our souls to grow something new. May God meet each of us today on the cold, little plots of fallow ground inside. And may we learn, through giving up, to inherit new earth.
First, yay! I received another email update and I'm so glad it's working now!
ReplyDeleteAnd second, what a story Abby. You were very courageous and sacrificial. There are only a few who will go out of their way to minister to others, especially in NY! And I love how right when you were praying for new growth, God immediately answered you, right there on the subway. What perfect timing.
Now don't even try to tell me that wasn't brave. Heck Abs, God may have given you the strength to do that, but you acted bravely in seeing it through. Very cool post.
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