Returning and Rest, Quietness and Trust

Some days-- like this one--that are filled with rain and muffled light, both inside and out, the best I can do is to sneak away to the chapel and sit for a moment and pray one of my favorite prayers from the BCP:

"O God, you will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are fixed on you; for in returning and rest we shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be our strength."

The Real Presence and Present Mystery

He was the Word, that spake it:
He took the bread and brake it;
And what that Word did make it,
I do believe and take it.
 

--John Donne

Sweet Spring Evening

Yesterday was tinged with weariness.....and tomorrow is shadowed by unknowns.....But I am learning (slowly) that Jesus' power and grace are most abundant in the present moment. And I am trying to slow my pace and stay back with Him. So right now, here's what I'm thankful for:

1. After a run through Central Park and strolling about the upper west side today, I finally have some sun-kissed skin to declare that winter is officially OVER!

2. A beautiful, relaxing evening with a good friend (and roommate!): walk to the park, followed by a wine tasting at the store down the street, and a chilled white- to mark the arrival of spring- shared over leftovers and good conversation at our kitchen table.....plus a little Under the Tuscan Sun to round the evening out.

3. Interviewing for a volunteer opportunity I've been interested in for months....and dreaming about the future, learning to hush my worries and let myself feel hopeful...

4. That above it all, and over it all, and in it all.....is a God who is FOR US....and from whose love we cannot be separated....neither by death nor life, angels nor demons, the present nor the future, nor any power in all creation. (!)

Now that's what I call a good Saturday.

He who dwells....will rest.

On Saturday, I ran 13.1 miles. I still can't really believe I did it, but somehow, by the grace of God, my feet kept moving and I didn't stop running until I crossed that half-marathon finish line! It was an incredible experience. And it was cool to do it not just for my own physical health, but for World Vision's efforts to provide clean water to those who don't have access to it (it is hard to believe that is still possible in the world today, but apparently it's a huge reality for many people). Anyway, there's a lot I could say about the race, but one thing stands out as most important: that God taught me to rely on Him....physically, mentally and emotionally.

The night before the race I was so anxious I couldn't sleep at all. My automatic reaction was to think that God was just not showing up, not holding up His end of the bargain, not giving me what I wanted. And somehow, His voice broke through my self-centered, sleepless, anxious thoughts and the words that stuck with me as I fell asleep, as I ate my oatmeal the next morning, and even as I ran the course were "you shall not strike your foot against a stone." I found myself praying that over and over as I ran, lifting my body up to Him, and trusting that He protect me from illness, injury and hopelessness. And he most certainly did! I experienced joy as I ran-- He lifted me up and truly kept my feet (and my spirits) from stumbling.

Last night, I took the time (finally) to look up that passage and  found that it was from Psalm 91- a psalm that has meant a great deal to me in the past. It begins: "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty" and as it continues it resounds in some of the most hollow crevices in my spirit...."He will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge....You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday....For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone."

Here is what is TRUE (not easy....but true): If we learn to dwell in Him, we will find rest....rest in the Truth that He hears us. He sees us. He knows us. He loves us. He covers us. He keeps us.....And He lifts us up.

He Sees Us as though We Were....

Tonight I rode home near a woman with hospital bands still clinging to her wrists. She was the ultimate representation of the travesty of slashing public mental health funding........but that's another story. Anyway, as she sat, flinging about abrupt verbal vulgarities and counting the same two dollar bills over and over, the seats around her quickly emptied (a rarity on the long ride uptown) and suddenly, I saw her- for a brief second- from a standpoint of compassion, rather than fear. She was literally, and deeply, alone. Alone among a traincar of people who just wanted to get home to safety and warmth. Alone in her confusion and pain and suffering and mental anguish. Just...alone. Miraculously, I didn't pity her; I sort of, weirdly, understood a small part of her. I wished I had the guts to walk away from my safe seat (jammed b/t two burly guys) and sit with her, maybe even ask her name. I don't know if that would even be wise...but I wondered. What would the power of such a small act be in the face of the indifference, fear, apathy, and even disgust-- in my own heart and in those in around me?

All I can say is....the change in me is small and slow and nearly imperceptible. But. God is freeing me from fear. And I'm practicing saying YES.... to the freedom of Christ, to the love of God, to new ground... and to opening my heart more and more to "the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were." (Romans 4:17)

Fear and Unplowed Ground

I love it when God confirms something I've been praying or thinking about with scripture. It's so cool! This morning, while reading in Jeremiah, I came across this: "“Break up your unplowed ground and do not sow among thorns. Circumcise yourselves to the LORD, circumcise your hearts…" (4:3-4)---sound familiar? (See my post: Breaking Up Earth- Mar.18). Looking to the footnotes, I saw that this passage quotes Hosea 10:12-- an even more beautiful and striking word to challenge my heart today:

"Sow righteousness for yourselves, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the LORD, until he comes and showers his righteousness on you."

I had a friend in college who called this sort of thing-- "God coordinating your curriculum."I mean, seriously. I had just been thinking of this-- and somehow, He had already connected the "unplowed" or "fallow" ground idea with my own hardened heart....which needs to be broken up, circumcised, rent. Old habits, old fears, old grudges, old prejudices, old pride, old dreams.....they're all my unplowed ground-- hardened, fallow, dry and brittle. They're all spaces in my "inner terrain" (to quote a wise man that many of us love!) that remain unusable to God. They need to be broken up, churned up, so that new things can grow from those very places of weakness, fear, and stubbornness.

So, I'm sitting on the train, thinking about all of this stuff...praying that God would break up my unplowed ground and lead me into new growth, new life...when suddenly, I notice that a girl standing nearby me is looking quite pale and fanning herself. The boy next to me mumbles something and carves a space in the crowd for himself while the girl slips into the seat. She is NOT looking good. Somehow-- God moves me beyond my initial panic (as most of you know, I do not do well with illness), and I find myself- miraculously, asking her if she is okay, then gently encouraging her to put her head between her knees, rubbing her back and telling her it's going to be okay. It is? I'm shocked at my apparent calm in the moment. I help her remove her scarf and ask her where she's getting off-- 59th St., the next stop. Phew. Can't be more than a minute.

We walk out of the train and I help her find a place to sit, while I go get her some orange juice from the little newsstand on the platform. Are you going to be okay? I ask her. She says she feels like she might be sick. I'm giving her instructions about the juice and I start to panic. Like Peter walking on water and suddenly, in doubt, falling....like that moment when you're holding a particularly difficult yoga pose and as soon as you realize it you come crashing to the floor, an embarrassed mess. I ask her if she needs me to go get someone and she says, no, no-- I'm fine, you've helped me so much already. So I touch her shoulder once more, wish her a quick blessing, and scurry off to catch the next train to work.....hoping that next time, maybe I'll have the guts to see this kind of thing through.

I can't help but feel that I should have stayed with her to make sure she was okay. I prayed that God would bring someone else to help. The truth is, I doubted myself right at the end...doubted that I'd be able to sustain the strength and steadiness of my spirit. (This may seem crazy to those of you who don't know just how strong my phobia toward throw up....and all things medical....truly is, but it's one of my comical- and detrimental- idiosyncrasies). But, even though it's embarrassing to admit, for me this was a big deal. And in spite of my imperfection, I still found God giving me strength, breaking up my unplowed ground, and ultimately teaching me that He really is sufficient for me. His strength really is made most perfect in my weakness. He really does want to churn up the unused soil in our souls to grow something new. May God meet each of us today on the cold, little plots of fallow ground inside. And may we learn, through giving up, to inherit new earth.

A little more info....

Because some of you have been asking, here is a little more information on the song in my last post: 

"Jesus Blood Never Failed Me," composed by Gavin Bryars. It has quite an interesting- and beautiful history......

"In 1971, when I lived in London, I was working with a friend, Alan Power, on a film about people living rough in the area around Elephant and Castle and Waterloo Station. In the course of being filmed, some people broke into drunken song - sometimes bits of opera, sometimes sentimental ballads - and one, who in fact did not drink, sang a religious song "Jesus' Blood Never Failed Me Yet". This was not ultimately used in the film and I was given all the unused sections of tape, including this one.

When I played it at home, I found that his singing was in tune with my piano, and I improvised a simple accompaniment....I took the tape loop to Leicester, where I was working in the Fine Art Department, and copied the loop onto a continuous reel of tape, thinking about perhaps adding an orchestrated accompaniment to this. The door of the recording room opened on to one of the large painting studios and I left the tape copying, with the door open, while I went to have a cup of coffee. When I came back I found the normally lively room unnaturally subdued. People were moving about much more slowly than usual and a few were sitting alone, quietly weeping....This convinced me of the emotional power of the music and of the possibilities offered by adding a simple, though gradually evolving, orchestral accompaniment...."

Yet Never Failed Me

My song in the night today:

Like water spilled on the ground...

Two posts in one day. Crazy, I know. But hear this beautiful Word (shared with me by a wise friend from my house church):

"We must all die; we are like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be gathered up. But God will not take away a life; he will devise plans so as not to keep an outcast banished for ever from his presence."
2 Samuel 14:14

Breaking Up Earth

Yesterday I felt that spring had finally SPRUNG! When I went out for my afternoon run, the sun was shining, the birds were singing and families littered the sidewalks, eating ice cream treats and once again enlivening the empty swings and slides in hopes of the end of all cold days.

And yet. For some reason, I felt like my heart had not yet caught up to the warmth of the season. I felt cold and hard inside, like winter earth needing some time to defrost. I wrinkled my forehead as little kids on scooters got in the way of my trudging feet and for a moment, I actually lamented being quite so warm and sweaty! Unintentionally, I prayed a begrudging prayer that God would soften the soil inside and make me ready for new things, for streams in the desert, for growth.

This morning, a familiar Psalm sung anew to my heart: "Today if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts" and accompanying that thought, from Deuteronomy, was "And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD’s commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good....Circumcise your hearts, therefore, and do not be stiff-necked any longer."

Hmm. Okay, God, I get it. I get it. Teach me to soften my heart and offer it to you, Lord-- and fill in the gaps of my own inability to do so. I am ready for spring to come in.